For all of us born in the late 80’s or the early 90’s, we were during our childhood at the prime time to play a new generation of games. Possibly the one that has affected most of us in a memorable fashion is arguably Pokemon Red and Blue (get the f out, Mario).
Ahhh, nostalgia. It was fun, creative, and a worldwide success. The GameBoy, with the pokemon game inside it, almost was a member of many families. However, when we start looking at it retrospectively, as we are supposed to have matured (sigh), some things look quite weird, senseless, and illogical at times. During the writing of this odd and totally offtopic entry, I will be needing some help from Google, as some pokemons’ names are long forgotten. So here we go, taking a look as what served as some kind of education to many of us.
It all begins with the Prof Oak (probably some deity, or something like that) introducing you to the world of Pokemons. He claims having studied every pokemon. Yet.. he doesn’t remember his grandson’s name, (which is… uhh was it Gary?). So the guy knows everything about 150 weird animals, and still can’t even know the name of his beloved grandson, wow ! However, this was one great opportunity to give him a name worth the fun : an insult or other curse word gets the job done.
After some long blah-blahs that probably nobody really cared about, you get to choose your first pokemon (intense excitation right here). Among the choices, there are some weird orange lizard with its tail aflame (badass but quite dangerous for its owner no?), some blue turtles and then there is this green… uuhhh cat?… hmm well, Bulbasaur. my choice was based on visual logic, so I went with Squirtle. Your rival, ” **** “(a.k.a. Gary) chooses the pokemon which has an elemental advantage over yours.
If Squirtle was an S4 Player, he would probably say something of the kind :
“Bulbasaur is OP, though Charmander is balanced”.
After kicking ****’s butt, and pwning worms on the way (bahaha delightful destruction), you arrive at some forest, and you meet some female pokemon trainer you have to battle with. Yes that’s right. The game gives you a small lesson on how to behave with girls : Meet a gorgeous girl in forest, kill her pet and steal her money ! Seduction Level : Expert. (And as far as i can remember, in the following series of pokemon games, Gold and Silver, you can even get the girl’s phone number after doing all that. AWESOME !)
Then you go to some arena to fight some dude, a certain Brock. Yes that one guy with the funny eyes. Why fight him? Just to be allowed to walk further in the game !! Yes. So you get your Squirtle to heartlessly kill other people’s pets on your way to Brock. During the fight against him, he summons some huge snake made of rock (Onyx). Tough looking battle isn’t it? Nope !! In the world of pokemans, huge snakes made of rock die against water bubbles. Water bubbles.
Things like this cannot (fortunately) happen in our world, but you can give it a try if you still are convinced that the poke-laws of physics apply to it. Steal a bubble wand from a kid (buying it from a store is way too easy) and go attack some local statue, or if you feel too tough for that, some building would prove to be some worthy opponent. Did you lose your battle? Yeah guess you are right, the building must have had full premium set on.
You feel the need to have more animals? Sure. Go catch them. How? Beat them up with your own pets, poison them, sedate them, paralyze them, burn them, and then finally throw a fckn plastic ball at their face, assuming you catch them at first try, of course. Killed it during the process? Find another one and try again. Who cares if you make the whole race go extinct.
Post is getting long. Let’s make it quicker. Many other things make no sense in there, like :
- Only very few people have jobs there, the others are too busy making their animals fight each other. No kid goes to school either.
- You can only fly to destinations you’ve already been to. No, showing your map to your bird doesn’t work. (wait, showing a map to an animal is already enough nonsense.)
- Where are normal animals?
- Why do most pokemons have puny names?
- Some famous winged pokemons such as Charizard can’t fly, while you can fly standing on a pigeon.
- 10Years-old kids can go and gamble in casinos (Hi S4L)
- Fish pokemans can’t swim unless they are taught how to by a fckn CD
- Same goes for birds and the fly skill
- Beating the arena champions allows you to use the fly, cut, surf, etc. skills to teach them to your pokemans. “You beat me ?! Okay then you have my permission to fly, birdie”.
- Oak always tells you that it ain’t time for bicycling, no matter where you could be, he would know and forbid you to use it (as said above he is almost an omniscient deity)
- Small trees blocking a path can’t be jumped over, or pushed aside. And obviously no human could get a knife, or other sharp object to cut it off.
- Small boulders can’t be removed by cranes or destroyed by TNT. NO, only pokemans can take care of that !
- And obviously, once you got the skill Fly, you can’t use it to fly above miniscule trees or other boulders.
- Sand pokemans can dig underground while battling over the sea.
- There aren’t any governments.
- You can enter people’s houses anytime.
- Nobody eats food nor drink anything
- Nobody cares about sex. (!!!!!!)
- Everyone cares about Pokemans, every time you talk to someone, the conversation will be pokeman-related. That is one unhealthy obsession.